Saturday, January 3, 2009

Clearing My Head

Man... I love breaks. Its probably because its my one escape from reality for just a few short weeks. I dont stress, I get enough sleep, I have enough "me" time, I see my mom ( who is probably my favorite person in the world), and my family and friends, the sun still shines everyday... even in December... the grass is still green, its warmer than Utah, I get to see the ocean, and I seperate myself from the heartache I sometimes cause myself over big decisions...

I know that sounds weird but I find it really ironic that I fight with myself about what I really want... I end up doing it to the point that it makes me unsure of what I even want anymore. My heart and my head tell me different things, but then sometimes even just one or the other ( either my head or my heart) will tell me different things too. I end up totally confused and stressed over things I cannot change. I hope that made any sense.

When I face a complicated life decision, I often find myself playing the "what if" game.... I know its terrible to play, but sometimes I cant stop myself from doing it. I just wish there was someway to see the future consequences of each choice... that would make everything so much easier. I know thats not how it works. I know that God is the only one with that ability and that I should just accept it. I do, but sometimes its not as easy for me to do as it is other times. I just want to do the right thing or the best thing for me and for others. I know that I often find myself choosing between things that arent even "bad", rather between what is better or best. I just wish I knew which choices were which because sometimes they are very similar in the short run, but I have no idea what either one will be like in the long run. Ugh.

I have learned that as corny as it sounds, life is comparable to tetris. You have all of these holes you have to fill/ all sorts of challenges to overcome... sometimes while trying to fill those holes, we create other holes and obstacles ontop of the original holes, which are sometimes bigger than our original hole or obstacle... I know that even though obstacles are hard, they are worth it because they help us learn how to be ready for what is a head of us. They humble us and help us to grow. They help us to even have fun sometimes. And sometimes when we think we are going to top out completely, the perfect piece comes along at the right time and saves our rear-ends....

That piece makes a huge difference... wish that piece would come along soon.